Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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