dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
