Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
