why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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