they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
