people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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