you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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