i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
