Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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