girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
