i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
