The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize