You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
