hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
this is an emotional support booty call
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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