your parents love me but you hate me
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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