dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
