I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
