I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
