Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
