Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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