i need an iv and a liver transplant
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
