Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
