The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
