You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
