will power is for people who don't want to get laid
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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