just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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