This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
