everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
