are you still at the devil's house?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
