so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
