My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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