Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
