Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
