life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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