I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
