Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
