It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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