what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
