You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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