I think my vagina is haunted
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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