is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
