So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
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