Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
