I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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