dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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