remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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