I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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