um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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