she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
did i walk over a car last night?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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