hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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