areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
