it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
