My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
