I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
