I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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