Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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