the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
