Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
