he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
