you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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