I must be too annoying 4 u.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
